a random story

   She kept trying to understand why… “why do I love him?”, “why him?”, “why do I keep giving him chances?”, she thought while she was finishing making coffee. But above all, “why would you do this to me, over and over again?”, “why would you make me feel so horrible?”… Although she never told him, the reasons why she always gave him chances were, first of all, the way he carried about her, his small and big gestures and second of all, and probably hard to understand, the way he always looked at her…so genuine, so pure, so authentic. Those little things made the love prevail. It was difficult for her to explain…maybe she was seeing things where they didn’t existed. People use to say that when we love someone, we can’t see things clearly. “It’s probably true…” she thought. She grabbed her coffee and went sitting next to the kitchen’s window, watching the storm, while drinking her coffee. What was so confusing about him was the fact that sometimes his acts showed love, other times, they showed he didn’t give a damn…what was she supposed to think? She didn’t know… The only thing that she was sure about was that such a big and lasting love couldn’t be fake…it just couldn’t. The truth is, she wouldn’t be able to deal with that.

   The storms always made her happy. She never realized why…Maybe because just like him, the storms made her feel alive. He had really no idea how she felt when she was with him…there was no time when she felt more complete and happy, or when her heart was fuller...He probably never noticed the shine on her eyes or her smile…It was all because of him...After so many years, he still gave her butterflies in her stomach and he didn’t even know it. It all sounds so “cliche”, but it was the purest truth. It was him. There was no substitute. There was nothing more comforting than his scent or his hugs. There was no one she ever felt better with. There was no one she trusted more.

   She got up and went to her bedroom. She opened her drawer and there were some pictures of them together, where they were hugging, laughing and really happy. Without him, she felt literally empty, incomplete, alone, it was like a huge part of her was missing…she couldn’t even explain it ... It was never the same without him. That feeling was, sometimes, so overwhelming and confuse…She was almost crying, so she closed the drawer and took a deep breath.

   “Love makes us so weak and vulnerable ...” she thought. In a certain way it takes care of our lifes. She wanted to stop overthinking. She just couldn’t handle all those thoughts. Unlike many people, she had the opinion that in life not everything depends on us, not even with regard to our own life and she knew that many people would say "we have full control of our lifes", but it was not as easy as people say it is. If it was that easy, she wouldn’t have feelings for him anymore, because she made an huge effort and it didn’t worked out. She went to the living room in order to watch a movie so that her thoughts would stop. The truth is, they didn’t really stop, but it helped a lot.

Bé Silvestre

Speechless...

Bé Silvestre

desabafo random

   À imenso tempo que não escrevo...parece que aos poucos isso vai-me matando, porque é uma parte de mim tão grande, é algo que me faz tão bem, é tão libertador e ao mesmo tempo, por vezes, é tão mau, porque me faz pensar, faz-me pensar a sério mesmo, de uma maneira tão profunda...tudo o que está enterrado lá bem no fundo vem ao de cima...e é uma mistura de emoções tão variadas, tão fortes, tão confusas, com tanto impacto e força...às vezes mais do que o que consigo aguentar...E depois quero expressar-me correctamente e não consigo, não consigo descrever bem aquilo que sinto e penso, falta sempre algo, ou não está descrito exactamente da maneira que eu quero. 
   Nem sei o que estou para aqui a dizer para ser sincera, acho que este texto vai ser um desabafo mesmo muito random...basicamente estou numa fase da minha vida em que acho que nada faz sentido, literalmente. Como hei-de explicar isto de forma a que se entenda?...sei lá, tudo na vida não faz sentido...mais esclarecidos? Eu sei que não, lá está o meu problema de me saber expressar...deve ser por isso que me considero uma pessoa tão diferente, sozinha e incompreendida...como posso ser compreendida se não me sei expressar não é?...A minha cabeça está invadida por perguntas desde "como se criou o mundo?", "o que é o mundo afinal?", "de onde surgiram as pessoas?", "porque é que o mundo é assim?" ou "como será o meu futuro?", "serei feliz?", "serei bem sucedida?", "o que devo fazer?", "serei forte o suficiente?"...
   Sinto que não faço nada da minha vida, o que é irónico visto que trabalho à um mês e durante duas semanas além de trabalhar, estudei. Felizmente amanhã é o meu último dia! Mas não é esse tipo de coisas que eu me refiro quando digo que quero fazer algo da minha vida...eu queria, de alguma maneira, mudar o mundo, torná-lo melhor, realizar os meus sonhos, sei lá...será uma utopia?
   Decidi passar esta passagem de ano sozinha em casa, só com os meus gatos, comida e uma garrafa de vodka kkkkkkk...sei que parece triste e solitário, mas neste momento, é o melhor pra mim...não tenho paciência pra ninguém, quero distância de toda a gente...
   Acho que o meu mundo hoje desabou, como já aconteceu algumas vezes...há uma explosão de emoções dentro de mim...não sou forte o suficiente, não consigo olhar em frente e nunca olhar para trás. Preciso de força, não me posso magoar mais, não posso. Mas porque é que não consigo ser feliz? É frustrante...

Bé Silvestre

my beautiful little girl, 17/11/2014

   Estou completamente apaixonada pela minha princesa linda! Tão pequenina e eu já tenho tanto orgulho nela, já sinto por ela algo tão inexplicável...adoro o facto de ele ser a minha cara chapada! De certa forma, ela fez-me ver as coisas de outra perspectiva, fez-me ter esperança, trouxe-me felicidade...não há palavras.

Bé Silvestre

everything's gone

   Literally everything...

Bé Silvestre